How to write a humanities dissertation, part one: The sunny start

Step 1: Write a proposal and get it approved. If your proposal is approved right away, this will seem like a magical, mysterious, and somewhat arbitrary process, especially if you are unfortunate enough to witness any of your smarter, more able colleagues have theirs rejected. Do this part quickly, if you can; you'll need plenty of procrastination time later and you don't want to waste it on the proposal.

Step 2: In the immediate aftermath of finishing doctoral exams and your dissertation proposal in one whirlwind of a semester, the dissertation itself will seem easy. Summer will stretch before you like a long, empty road, waiting for you to drive on it with the top down, in sunglasses. In contrast to those stressful exams, you'll have plenty of time to do your more in-depth reading and analysis and come up with a draft of the introduction and a fleshed-out outline long before Labor Day. This is a golden time. Bask in the feeling of freedom -- the sense that a 250-page dissertation will be child's play. Enjoy these sensations. They will not last.

Step 3: As Independence Day approaches, have a sudden revelation: the fall semester starts in about a month and a half and you haven't done any actual dissertation work. Attempt discipline for a few weeks. This is the fun part; you're still making notes and doing additional research instead of truly writing. "Anyway," you'll tell yourself, "I knocked out 24 pages in 24 hours for each doctoral exam. How hard could a measly dissertation introduction be?"

Step 4: Find out how hard a measly dissertation introduction can really be. Experience true writer's block for the first (but not last) time in your life. August will arrive, bringing anxiety along with its triple-digit temperatures. Consume illicit amounts of strong, iced coffee. Rush to finish an introduction before school starts if only to have something to show your committee chair for your summer of work.

Step 5: Have another revelation -- there was no "real" deadline, no "official" assignment for the summer. You can turn in whatever you want to your advisor, as long as it looks like progress. These are dangerous thoughts, but you're still too new to this process to know that, so you abandon your introduction, cobble an outline together and send it off. Enjoy your last few days of summer, with the iced beverage of your choice, blissfully unaware of what's to come in...Part 2: The Perfect Plan.